The Median

Having cancer was the median of my life. Once I crossed that median, I was on a different road, going a different direction. It was a distinct point, with a "before" and an "after". We all have these defining moments in our lives, which make us who we are. We say, "I'm a wife," or "I'm a mother." And now, for me, "I've had cancer."

I never, ever thought cancer would personally touch me. Is that crazy? I know that cancer can touch anyone - no one is immune. But... I am an eternal optimist, I see the glass as half-full, I believe there is a solution to every problem, I have faith in God. So, it never crossed my mind as a possibility. I never imagined it, I never worried about it. In the world I had created for myself, it would never happen.

And then it did. And my life was forever changed. Physically, cancer came and went (or at least went into hiding). But the spectre of cancer came and stayed. It permeated my psyche, it changed who I am. Fundamentally, I'm probably the same person I always was, but I definitely feel different. My perspective has changed, and therefore my whole approach to life has changed. I try to wring every drop of joy I can out of each day. When I look at my children, I focus on burning the memory of them, in that exact moment, into my mind. When my husband comes home, it's no longer a quick peck, and brief hug. I put my arms around him and hold him for a moment, soaking in his energy, letting our breath mingle, daily reminding myself that he is part of me. I savor my moments, and try not to waste time. Because I know, in a breath, it could all be gone. In a breath, I could be gone.

This is Cancer.

When I received my diagnosis, I only had a few people who were in my life who had dealt with cancer. And they were all alive and well. And I only knew one person who had had breast cancer - and aunt of mine who was a "survivor" of several years. Since my diagnosis, I have lost six people I knew and loved to this disease, including my mother-in-law, and my aunt whose breast cancer came back with a vengeance and took her away. I feel the loss of these people every day.

This, too, is Cancer.

Before cancer I ignored my aches and pains. If I had a sore throat, a sore back, a headache - I would self-medicate with over the counter drugs, and, stoic Swede that I am, keep going on. I rarely went to the doctor. Now, I'm hyper aware of every little thing going on in my body. I have had more scans than I care to count, looking inside my body, making sure the cancer has not spread. I have had a persistent cough for three months. It's most likely bronchitis, but the dark and evil thought crouches just beyond my consciousness, whispering, "It could be the cancer." I truly believe it's not, but that dark shadow hovers over me constantly.

This also, is Cancer.

If I could somehow manipulate time and had the choice to go back to the road I was on, never crossing the median, I probably would. But that, of course, is only fantasy. I must walk the path before me, with all of the blessing, and all of the loss. I choose not to waste my cancer, but instead encourage others and rejoice in every day I am given. The theme of my life has become:

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
I Thessalonians 5:16-18

This is the path cancer has put me on. This is who cancer has made me.

This is Cancer.