Are You there, God? It's me, LaRae - Feb, 2007

If you had asked me, before I had cancer, how would I feel if I ever received a cancer diagnosis, my answer wouldn't have taken any thought at all. Terrified. This, however, isn't what I felt at all. I was amazed at my own lack of fear. People commented to me at the time, that I was so brave, so courageous. But that wasn't true - I was neither of those things. I simply didn't feel afraid. What I did feel was something like this - I felt utterly alone, cast adrift, heading without a rudder into stormy seas.

It was as if the little boat that was my life, which had always been anchored in a safe port, had had its mooring lines cut, and was drifting away. The shoreline was getting smaller and smaller, and I had no means of getting back. And I found in that moment, that I wondered if God knew what was happening to me, and if He did, did He even care?

I am a woman of faith. I believe, fundamentally, in the core of my being, in a God who loves me, who wants relationship with me, and who has provided a Way for me to have that relationship. But I have to admit, if I am completely honest, that in this moment of crisis, I struggled to believe it. And the reason is this - He was silent. I felt no comforting Presence, no peace in my spirit. And so I sat on the edge of my bed, and cried out to Him - Are you there? - Do You see what's happening? - Do you care what's happening? And then, typical of who I am, once I had quit swimming in my self pity, I approached Him more reasonably.

"Lord, forgive me for my lack of faith. I simply need to hear from You. I need something, anything, even if it's 'Get a grip, already, woman.' I just need to know that You are present in this situation, that You are not standing far off, with Your back turned, refusing to see me." And so I quieted my spirit, and I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I have never heard God speak in an audible voice. I have never seen a vision. I was not looking for a mystical experience. However, God says, "I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." I believe, and have experienced, that when I truly seek Him, with quiet expectation, patiently waiting, He always shows up. Sometimes I suddenly think something I was not thinking before. Sometimes, my heart is stirred within me. This time, like a fully formed thought, it just dropped into my mind. "Psalm 91. Read it."

I got my Bible, looked up the Psalm, and started to read. It was all good stuff, but I wasn't sure what God wanted me to take away from it. Until the end, when the last three verses jumped off the page at me. I knew that I knew that I knew - this is what He had for me, and it was so much better than, "Get a grip, already." I read the verses again, and then I read them aloud, exchanging the masculine pronouns for feminine ones. It went like this:

"Because she has loved Me, therefore I will deliver her; I will set her securely on high, because she has known My name. She will call upon Me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble; I will rescue her, and honor her. With a long life I will satisfy her, and let her behold My salvation."

There is something about speaking these words aloud that imbues them with power. I felt strength enter my heart, like steel. It had no force of its own, but it was solid, unmoving, completely unbending. And I knew that God was not standing far off, with His back turned, refusing to see me. He was standing, face to face.

It is notable that the first get well card I received, which came from my mom's best friend, had Psalm 91:14-16 written in it. And then two days later, I received a stack of note cards from a friend, each with an encouraging word written on it, and the first one - the one on top - contained Psalm 91:14-16. It was as if the Lord were saying, "Do you get it yet?" I got it. I knew what had happened. I sought, and I found Him.