The Breath of the Almighty

I have said before that cancer came and went, but the specter of cancer came and stayed. When I had a cancerous tumor in my body, I wasn't even aware of it. It is possible that my cancer developed while I was pregnant with my youngest child. Microscopic mutated cells were rapidly multiplying, clogging the milk ducts of my right breast, and I was blissfully unaware. I knew that when my babe nursed, she would fight and struggle on the right side, but happily nurse on the left. I was aware that my milk production on the right was diminishing, while the left side was keeping up with my little one. I knew that when I tipped my head forward and looked down, my silhouette was becoming increasingly lopsided because of the imbalance in milk production. But with my typical laissez-faire attitude, I never really thought about it. It never once crossed my mind that something could be seriously wrong. 


Yet...


My doctor found the lump. The lump was malignant. The malignancy had metastasized to my lymph nodes. And although those little mutating cells hadn't yet caused me any real harm, the specter of cancer loomed ahead like the Grim Reaper threatening to take me from this world. Thus, my doctor and I did everything possible to stop it, and the real harm started, in the form of life-saving therapy. How ironic that we refer to poison pumping through one's blood as chemotherapy. And burning a person with light at a frequency high enough to knock electrons out of their orbit is radiation therapy. And the drugs I still take everyday to block my estrogen and starve the cancer is referred to as hormone therapy. Come on people, a spa day is therapy - this stuff is just nasty. And I now realize, three years out of the gate, that all those therapies, along with massive doses of antibiotics and eight surgeries in three years will take their toll. I still struggle - not quite where I want to be, not quite on my feet, not quite well. Some days I feel terrible, some days not so terrible. I use natural means to try to conquer the general malaise, hopeful that at some point in the near future I will again be truly well. And so the specter of cancer no longer looms, but instead quietly haunts me with its presence.


And yet, as I ruminate about all these things, I am reminded that those therapies were life-saving, not life-giving. The gift of life comes from somewhere else entirely. The book of Job says, 'The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.'  


The breath of the Almighty ... gives life. O God in Heaven, breathe on me.